Princess Zena: As Princess Zena
Raffles: Raffles, The Personal Trainer
Doggie: Evil Doggie
Piggies: number 1 – Nutty, Piggie number 2 – Nibbles, Piggie number 3 – Buddy, Piggie number 4 – Basil
Brief appearance by: Mollie
Four little pigs were walking in a forest one day and they found a beautiful Princess crying quietly.
‘What are you doing here beautiful princess?’ they asked, ‘The woods are not safe. There is a big, black evil Doggie who roams about playing rough and peeing on things.’
Princess Zena, for it was indeed that famous beauty, looked afraid.
‘I didn’t know he came here as well. He is the cause of all my troubles.’
Basil, who had become instantly smitten with the beautiful princess stepped forward.
‘We will help you Princess Zena.’ he said, ‘We are the bravest piggies in the land.’
Nutty, Nibbles & Buddy exchanged looks. Their whiskers quivered. What was Basil letting them in for now? They were only little guinea pigs, how could they overcome Doggie?
Princess Zena raised her beautiful brown eyes still swimming with tears.
‘Can you really help me?’ she asked with wonder in her voice. ‘What amazing piggies you must be indeed.’
Basil puffed out his little chest and squeaked, ‘Whatever it is, we will help. Won’t we Nibbles, Nutty & Buddy?’
He turned to the other piggies who were shamed into offering to help too.
‘Of course, of course,’ they whiffled and were rewarded with a big smile from the beautiful Princess Zena.
‘So just what is the problem?’ asked Buddy feeling that he should be a little more assertive in this fairy tail.
‘Well, it is like this,’ shared the Princess. ‘Since my wonderful Zac died I have been so lonely and sad that I wanted to find another companion to play with me and protect me. So I put my profile on a dating site and waited to see who would contact me.’
Nibbles gasped, ‘Don’t you know how risky that is?’
‘I do now,’ said The Princess, ‘But I did think it was a good idea at the time. I was so lonely I would have done anything.’
Buddy nodded. He had lost a pal, he knew how it felt.
Princess Zena continued with her story. ‘I was contacted by quite a few possible candidates including Doggie who described himself as a cute cavoodle who liked to play gentle games and was willing to sleep on the tiles.’
Now it was Nutty who gasped.
Princess Zena nodded, ‘As you know, he is nothing of the kind. He is a big Spanish Water Dog who likes water and mud and all the things I hate!’ she shuddered.
‘Before I knew who he really was I arranged to meet with him and bring him home with me but a kind Collie called Mollie warned me that he had lied in his profile, something to do with liking to win, so I politely declined his offer to move in with me.’
Basil quivered with indignation. Fancy trying to trick such a sweet and innocent little thing as Princess Zena.
‘After that experience,’ continued the Princess, ‘I decided that advertising for a companion was not a good idea so I withdrew my details and instead I employed a personal trainer to keep me fit. His name is Raffles and he keeps me running and working out all day!
When Doggie heard about this he was angry and he has sworn to get even with me because he doesn’t like to lose.
So Raffles and I ran into these woods to hide from him, but I am afraid and cold because we have nowhere to stay and I don’t like the rain. Princess Zena began to cry again.
At this point Raffles came out from behind a tree and looked at the piggies rather nervously.
‘It is alright Raffie,’ said Princess Zena, ‘These Piggies are going to help us.’
She turned trusting eyes onto the piggies and they were filled with pride at her faith in them and became determined to outwit Doggie.
‘Wait a moment,’ said Basil, and he took his three friends to one side and they had a discussion.
They all agreed that the first thing that was needed was a shelter to protect Princess Zena but unfortunately they could not agree on how to build this shelter.
Nutty felt that a cardboard house was all that was needed and it had the added benefit of being very quick and easy to make which meant they would have plenty of time to enjoy some of the forest foods before Doggie came.
So he chewed and chewed and before long his cardboard house was ready. He tried it out. Perfect! And with so much time to spare before evening he could fill up on that wonderful patch of fresh grass he had seen.
Basil inspected Nutty’s house but did not feel it was really strong enough to withstand an angry Doggie.
Like Basil, Nibbles was not very sure that the cardboard house would be strong enough to stop Doggie, so he collected a lot of straw from the forest floor to build his house. It smelt so good too, and as soon as he finished the house he went ambling off to eat some dandelions he had spotted.
Buddy looked at the cardboard house and the house of straw and thought that they were both a little flimsy. He wanted to build the best house.
‘I know,’ he thought, ‘I will build my house of sticks.’
So he collected a lot of sticks and built his house and he was very pleased with it. He couldn’t see where Basil was but he wasn’t concerned. His house of sticks would protect them from Doggie. He snuffled off to find some wild strawberries to eat.
Basil saw the houses his pals had built and was very concerned. They didn’t look strong enough to protect Princess Zena from the evil Doggie.
He looked at the angle of the sun and measured the distance from the trees and he spent all day building a villa out of brick with roof tiles, an open fire and double glazed windows because he was concerned about the environment and heat loss.
He worked all day and hadn’t eaten at all and when he finished his house he was very tired but he was also pleased. He’d even built a little pool so that Raffles could teach Princess Zena to swim and exercise!
Just as he stepped back to admire his house there was a crashing through the woods and he heard Princess Zena scream.
‘Quick!’ shouted Nutty, ‘Into my cardboard house.’
The little piggies, Raffles and Princess Zena rushed into the little cardboard house. It was a very tight fit and they couldn’t really move. Raffles was afraid.
From outside they heard a roar from Doggie. ‘I will not lose,’ he roared. ‘I will break down your house and I’ll pee on your heads.’
The little friends looked at each other in horror! Pee on their heads?
No sooner had Doggie uttered the threat than he swiped the cardboard house to one side with his paw and the Piggies had to cling to Raffles as they ran with Princess Zena to safety.
‘Quick!’ Shouted Nibbles, run to my house of straw, ‘That will stop him. The six friends ran very fast into the house of straw.
Princess Zena’s eyes were wide with fear and Raffles was shaking as they crowded into the house. Princess Zena began to sneeze as her allergies reacted to the straw.
They had only just had enough time to catch their breath when there was another roar from Doggie and he laughed at their house of straw.
“I’m coming in to pee on your heads.’ he yelled, and then his nose twitched and he gave an enormous sneeze which blew away the house of straw.
Princess Zena, Raffles, Basil, Buddy, Nibbles and Nutty were too stunned to move for a moment and then as Doggie sneezed again because of all the straw in his hair they took the opportunity to run as Doggie demolished the house of straw.
‘To my house of sticks.’ commanded a rather puffed Buddy and again the pals rushed through the darkening woods, Doggie close behind them.
They reached the stick house just in time and slammed the door. Raffles thought that it was a good job he was a puppy and very fit because all this running around with four piggies on his back was very tiring.
Inside the house of sticks they quaked with fear as Doggie circled the house muttering threats and swearing.
‘Ha!’ He laughed, ‘Do not think you are safe for I am Doggie the Dastardly and I will get in and pee on your heads.’
He then began to dig at the foundations of the house of sticks and they could hear him chewing up the sticks at an alarming rate.
Before long a tooth protruded through the walls and Princess Zena screamed.
‘Now I will be proved right!’ shouted Basil. ‘Quick, run to my villa and you shall be safe.’
So once again with the piggies on his back and Princess Zena holding onto his tail Raffles ran through the forest, Basil shouting directions into his ears.
At last they reached the lovely modern villa he had built out of brick and finished with render.
They fell gratefully into the huge room and Raffles lay panting in front of the beautiful open fire whilst Princess Zena fussed about organising beds and supper for everyone.
Suddenly they froze as they heard once again the mocking laughter of Doggie!
‘Do you think this huge, thick wooden door can stop me? I will get in and pee on your heads!’ he screamed and he proceeded to dig at the door and the walls.
But Basil had made the foundations too deep and Doggie gave up. He was very cross.
Then he tried to break down the door but it was too strong.
He tried to jump in and break the glass but he couldn’t reach the windows.
Princess Zena was so happy. She and Raffles were safe at last and it was all due to Basil. She gave Basil a shining look and thanked him profusely. He puffed his little white furry chest out with pride and Princess Zena gave him the ZAG – the Princess Zena Award for Gallantry.
The friends were chatting in front of the fire and nibbling the remains of supper when Princess Zena heard a whining outside.
She looked out and her kind heart softened. It had begun to rain and Doggie was sat by the door shivering.
He saw her looking out of the window and his head drooped.
‘What shall we do?’ she asked the others.
‘It is a trick.’ Scowled Raffles. ‘Let him stay out in the rain.’
Nutty thought of his cardboard house and shivered. ‘I don’t want to let him in to pee on my head.’ he said.
Nibbles agreed. ‘After all, he brought it on himself because he won’t accept losing.’ he said.
But Basil and Princess Zena were not so sure.
It was very cold outside and Doggie looked very miserable and sad. Surely he had learnt his lesson?
Basil opened the window just a little bit. ‘If we let you in do you promise on your honour to be good?’ he asked.
Doggie looked hopeful, ‘I do, I do,’ he answered quickly. A little too quickly Raffles thought and he scowled. He did not trust Doggie.
He went to the window and showed his puppy teeth. ‘If you come in, do you promise not to pee on our heads?’
Doggie looked shocked.
‘I never said I would pee on your heads.’ he said, ‘That would be disgusting! I said I would pee on your beds! Peeing on your heads!! Yuck. I would never do that!’
And he looked so hurt that they had believed such a nasty thing of him that Princess Zena decided to open the door and let him come in but before she did she made him promise not to pee on their beds either!
Doggie looked a little shamefaced. ‘Alright,’ he said, ‘I don’t do that anymore anyway.’
So they let Doggie in to sit by the fire and finish off the supper and they all became great friends and promised to have lots of play dates and share Raffles as a personal trainer, so Doggie won anyway!
Love from the Zena, the Playful Princess